I live less than two hundred miles from the Gulf of Mexico. During hurricane season, we stay somewhat prepared. Even this far inland, we have seen the fury that 100mph winds can bring. We watch the news after a storm has passed, and our hearts go out to those who have to deal with the destruction. What steps will they take to recover? I believe the road to recovering from the destruction of a lost relationship follows much the same path.
1. Assess the injuries
Even though a divorce is technically between a husband and wife, they are not the only ones who get injured. Children, family members and friends are also hurt. Keep in mind as you tend their wounds, that you cannot be a good caregiver if you don’t care for yourself. You may be able to provide immediate support, but you can’t continue unless you seek help also. This help may come from a counselor, a pastor, or a support group, but someone needs to know that you are hurting too.
2. Bury the dead
Some people have a hard time dealing with the knowledge that they filed for the divorce. I had mixed emotions about being the one to file the papers. I knew it had to be done in order to move on, and that I would have to be the one to do it. It took years to finally be able to describe the experience. The relationship was over. It was beyond any heroic measures to revive it. Someone had to bury it, and I did. It still wasn’t easy, but it was the turning point for beginning a new life as a single adult. If your spouse did the filing, accept it. Whatever you had is over. Wherever you go from here, it’s up to you, and you alone.
3. Sort through the rubble.
It is painful to sort through the memories of a failed relationship. When you are strong enough, I encourage you to do so. As you examine the broken promises and twisted remains of your dreams, you may discover some things you need to keep. Before you destroy those wedding pictures, consider your children may want them someday. Pack them away for later, when it won’t hurt so much to see them again.
4. Clear the debris
Once you have salvaged all that may be useful, get rid of the rest. It is hard to walk forward when you are tripping over yesterday.
5. Inspect the foundation
Who are you? What do you believe about yourself? What do you believe about God? A failed marriage can make you ask all these questions. So many things you thought were solid enough to withstand any storm, were not. Being single again is an opportunity to examine what is really important in life. The only solid foundation upon which to build a new life is your personal relationship with God, through His Son Jesus. Everything and everyone else has the potential to fail you and let you down. Ask God to show you how to have a faith that will not fail. Ask Him to lead you to people who can tell you how to have this certainty of belief. Contact me through this blog, and I will be glad to tell you of what God has done for me, and how He wants to help you too. Seek out a trusted Christian friend, and make sure your foundation is solid!
6. Begin to rebuild
This will not be easy. More storms may come your way. People from your past may come by and dump more debris in your yard. Some days you may be so tired and lonely that you feel ready to give up. God wants you to have the best life possible, but He won’t do it for you. After the devastation of hurricanes “Katrina” and “Rita”, Louisiana implemented strict new building codes. We determined to be more prepared to withstand future storms. I encourage you to rebuild in a similar manner. You can rebuild your life as a single adult by looking back on what didn’t work and designing differently this time. You have the freedom to include those features that bring joy to you. Rebuild upon that solid foundation of trust in your Heavenly Father. Build stronger by not settling for quick and easy methods that may look good, but have no quality. Build stronger, be prepared and survive the storm!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
What I Have Learned
I am into my 11th year of working in the divorce recovery ministry at my church. Surely in those last ten years I have learned a few things. I have; and here are a few of them.
1. God loves us. He wants the best for us. He wants to have a close personal relationship with us. He hurts when we hurt. He invented marriage and intended it to last forever.
2. Satan does not love us. He wants to destroy us. He wants our lives to be full of confusion and bitterness. If we know Jesus as our Lord and Savior, he hates us even more. Satan hates God and all those who love God. Satan wants to destroy marriages because a failed relationship makes us question what we believe.
3. God does work miracles. He can restore troubled relationships. He will NOT do it by force. Both parties have to be willing to submit to God and each other.
4. In divorce you get custody of yourself.
5. Life will never be the same. You are who you are as a result of the experiences you’ve been through.
6. You must forgive. Start with yourself. Your marriage failed. You had a part in that failure. It may have been a small part or a big part. You are 100% responsible for your part only, even if it was saying “I Do” when you knew something wasn’t right. Forgiveness requires action. There is no time limit, but it has to be your goal.
7. Never forget. If we don’t learn from our mistakes we will never grow.
8. “Someone new” is NOT the answer! Someday you may be ready for a new relationship, but not until you are healed from the old one. Do not get involved with someone else until you are strong enough to live alone and be content.
9. You can’t heal your children’s hurt. You can love them, hold them, listen to their troubles and tell them you wish things could be different. Their pain is their own, and they must deal with it in their own way.
10. Dare to dream again. Ask God to open your eyes and your heart to what He has for you. Look for the small blessings He gives you every day, and thank Him for them. Divorce is an opportunity to begin a new life. You are no longer responsible for the happiness of your spouse (not that you ever were). Embrace the life you have always wanted. You are single again. You make the decisions for your future. Trust God enough to experience the best He has for you.
1. God loves us. He wants the best for us. He wants to have a close personal relationship with us. He hurts when we hurt. He invented marriage and intended it to last forever.
2. Satan does not love us. He wants to destroy us. He wants our lives to be full of confusion and bitterness. If we know Jesus as our Lord and Savior, he hates us even more. Satan hates God and all those who love God. Satan wants to destroy marriages because a failed relationship makes us question what we believe.
3. God does work miracles. He can restore troubled relationships. He will NOT do it by force. Both parties have to be willing to submit to God and each other.
4. In divorce you get custody of yourself.
5. Life will never be the same. You are who you are as a result of the experiences you’ve been through.
6. You must forgive. Start with yourself. Your marriage failed. You had a part in that failure. It may have been a small part or a big part. You are 100% responsible for your part only, even if it was saying “I Do” when you knew something wasn’t right. Forgiveness requires action. There is no time limit, but it has to be your goal.
7. Never forget. If we don’t learn from our mistakes we will never grow.
8. “Someone new” is NOT the answer! Someday you may be ready for a new relationship, but not until you are healed from the old one. Do not get involved with someone else until you are strong enough to live alone and be content.
9. You can’t heal your children’s hurt. You can love them, hold them, listen to their troubles and tell them you wish things could be different. Their pain is their own, and they must deal with it in their own way.
10. Dare to dream again. Ask God to open your eyes and your heart to what He has for you. Look for the small blessings He gives you every day, and thank Him for them. Divorce is an opportunity to begin a new life. You are no longer responsible for the happiness of your spouse (not that you ever were). Embrace the life you have always wanted. You are single again. You make the decisions for your future. Trust God enough to experience the best He has for you.
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